Lessons from Mother

By Mark Lowry

Gospel Music Artist and Comedian

 

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that it will come out of the carpet."

 

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

My mother taught me REASON:
"Because I said so, that's why."

 

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,

in case you're in an accident."

 

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something

 to cry about."

 

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

 

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

 

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor

coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"

 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

 

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

 

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

 

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

 

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

 

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test,

 you'll never get a good job."

 

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on;

don't you think I know when you're cold?"

 

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,

don't come running to me."

 

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

 

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

 

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

My Mother taught me about WISDOM

OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

 

And...
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope

they turn out just like you!"

 

To all the Mothers who are reading this while nodding and smiling, and maybe even with a tear in her eye: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!