Because God gave us a sense of humor,
and because there are so many good church-
or faith-related jokes, we had to have a page devoted to Church Humor
(If you have any good, clean jokes that you enjoy, please
feel free to send them to webmaster@hopeumc1.org. Include your full name and phone number.)
|
|
||
|
|
Do
you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of
Three Wise Men?
They
would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
E-mail from beyond…
A
businessman from
laptop
into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately,
in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to
JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in
just
passed away and was buried that day.
The
preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read,
"Arrived
safely. It sure is hot down here! Can’t wait for you to join me.”
The Country Preacher Went Hunting
A
country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to
do some bear hunting. As he rounded the
corner on a perilous twist in the trail,
he
and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the
mountainside. Before he knew it, his
rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a
rock
and breaking both legs. That was the
good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh,
Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today
to come out here and hunt. Please
forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make
a
Christian out of that bear that's coming at me.
Please, Lord!"
That
very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped it paws
together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet:
"Dear
God, bless this food I am about to receive . .
This could cause new visions
A
preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river!" The
congregation
nodded their approval. With even greater
emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it
and throw it into the river, too!"
The
people
clapped and were saying "Amen."
And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
As
he sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather
at the
River."
Actual Church Bulletins Announcements -
1)
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2)
Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4)
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
5)
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6)
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
7)
Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
8)
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put
Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9)
Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please
see the minister in his private study.
10)
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
11)
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12)
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet will come forward
and
get a piece of paper.
13)
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement Friday.
14)
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
16)
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
17)
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18)
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19)
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20)
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21)
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
22)
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for
the girth of their first child.
23)
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24)
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25)
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge—Up
Yours."
Big Trouble
There
were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in
it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a
priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father
that
they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed.
The
mother went to the priest and made her request.
He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So
the mother sent him to the priest.
The
priest sat the boy down across from him at a huge impressive desk.
For
about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally,
the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The
boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said
nothing.
Again,
louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again
the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A
third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk
and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The
boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding
his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet,
where they usually plotted their mischief.
He
finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The
older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble'?"
His
brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
Out of the mouths of babes:
A
kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to
one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The
girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The
teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
Jesus and Satan
Jesus
and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of
the
bickering.
Finally
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours
and I will judge who does the better job."
So
Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They moused. They
did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.
They
sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
Then,
ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the
sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The
electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost
everything
when the power went out!"
Meanwhile,
Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two
hours. Satan observed this and became
irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do
it?"
God
just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves.
“Praise the Lord!”
My
grandmother, who lived in
the
Lord!"
Her
next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During
those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point
by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The
next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said,
"Praise the Lord!"
The
neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I bought those
groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother
replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for
it."
“Punnies”
1. A marine biologist developed a race of
genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a
steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply
of
the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
the road.
Afraid
to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across
sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
2. Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch
Company of
watches,
decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches
were of finest quality, their compasses were so
bad
that people often ended up in
This,
of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
3. A famous Viking explorer returned home
from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local
civic
official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my
census.”
Think You Are Young?
The
kids in college this fall have an interesting perspective:
1. The people who are starting college this
fall across the nation were born after 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of
the Reagan Era and did not know he had
ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian
Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to
them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can
only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the
7. They have never feared a nuclear war.
"The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.
9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and
plastic
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a
broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and
have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the
special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&M's and
blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8 track, but
probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they
were about 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always
cost over 30 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13
channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCR's, but they
have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote
control.
26. They were born after the Walkman was
introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for
them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay
Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans
were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the
microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about
Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to
them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever
held hostage in
35. They can't imagine what hard contact
lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he
was from.
37. They never heard: "Where's the
beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de
plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no
idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always
knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41.
42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam
containers.
43. There has always been MTV.
Do
you feel old yet?
From the Vet
A
client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for
inoculations and worming. As the
look-alike
pups
squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be
difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.
I
turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when
I had finished.
After
the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman
leaned forward and whispered, "I
didn't
know they had to be baptized."
A Pet
This
guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to
the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After
some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came
in
a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good
location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to
the bar to have a drink. So he asked the
centipede
in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a
beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
and
having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new
friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the
centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place
and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I
heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Contact
us at:
E-mail
address
Church: hopeumc.1@sbcglobal.net or secretary@hopeumc1.org
Pastor: Glenna
Olumstad
RevGlennaO@aol.com
Webmaster: webmaster@hopeumc1.org
Music: musicdirector@hopeumc1.org
Office
phone
815/436-2209